Control Tower

Poly Conventional Wisdom

by Mistress Matisse

In conversations with other polyamorous people—both in real-life and online—I occasionally hear someone make some remark about poly life they seem to feel is so patently true that it needs no examination. But I’m always deeply skeptical about those “everybody knows” statements—so let’s debunk a few of them.

Here’s one I hear a lot: Poly girls have an easier time getting dates than poly guys. When someone says this, what they mean is that men, even if they aren’t avowedly polyamorous, are usually willing to date an already coupled woman, whereas the reverse isn’t usually true.

I don’t quite buy this. Granted, I am a poly woman, so I can only speak to one side of the equation. But I have three actively poly men in my life, and none of them seem to have any difficulty finding other women to date or have relationships with. They’re kinky, too, which narrows one’s dating possibilities even further.

On the flip side, yes, I have successfully introduced guys to polyamory, but I have also had the experience of guys declining to get involved with me because they knew I would never be monogamous with them. “You’ll just break my heart,” one of them told me. Thus we see that not all men have the “I don’t care, as long as I get my dick wet” mentality.

Then there’s also the whole issue of bisexuality, which fuzzes up the “who scores more” game even further. (Obviously if you’re a Kinsey 6, this whole issue is unlikely to concern you much.)

So in spite of some of my experiences, I will allow that it’s barely possible poly women could have a higher rate of converting not-previously poly people than guys. But when the hunting is among already poly people, I think the odds are pretty even.

Then there are all the remarks that go something like this: Everyone is naturally polyamorous—monogamy is a result of repressive societal conditioning. Anyone can be poly if they’re just willing to work to free themselves of hang-ups. The elitist tone of this line of thinking turns me off. Being polyamorous does not mean you’re necessarily more evolved than someone who’s monogamous. Anyone who’s been poly for more than about 20 minutes can tell you just because someone isn’t monogamous doesn’t mean they’ve achieved some state of Zen-like enlightenment about anything—least of all love. It’s just a different choice. I’m sure that if being polyamorous were presented as a socially neutral option rather than a stigmatized one, there would definitely be a lot more poly people in the world. But I don’t think that means anyone can be poly. The desire to have multiple love relationships runs deep in me. If I accept my feelings as showing me what’s right for me, I must also accept it when people tell me they have a deep desire to be monogamous. At the very least, I must accept that they don’t want to let go of their repressive societal conditioning, and you know what? They get to live how they wanna live. I just wish they’d quit running for Senate.

Triads are the most common poly configuration, and the most desirable one. I heard someone throw this statement off the other day like someone had written it on a stone tablet for him. To this I say (A) not from where I sit and (B) maybe to you, buddy, but the rest of us have our own ideas.

There are few, if any, really reliable surveys of poly people and how they arrange their lives. So whatever anyone says—including me—they’re basing it on personal experience and nonscientific data. And my personal experience says: I know a lot of poly people. I only know of exactly one triad that’s been going happily for longer than a year. And all three people live in different cities. Driving distance, you understand, but still—different fucking cities. That should tell you something.

My system with Max is that he is my primary partner—I’m committed to him. My other partners are secondary partners, and they know that while I do care for them, Max has seniority. Most of my poly friends also operate on some version of the primary-secondary system. That’s what I see the most of in my neck of the woods.

I think the fantasy of a three-way love relationship is what drives a lot of people toward exploring polyamory. But the fantasy rarely holds up very well. Think about all the challenges to starting a relationship between just two people. Now add another person into that, with all their needs, desires, and possible insecurities, and subtract societal support. Oh, and toss out the window any “how to have a relationship” roadmaps you’ve drawn up based your previous twosome experiences, because this is a whole new ball game. I’m not saying it can’t be done. But I think a triad is the most challenging form of polyamory, and entering into one casually is an excellent way to get your heart bruised, if not actually stomped on.

So there you have it—my take on some myths of the many-loves community. If anyone asks, you tell ’em the Mistress said “Everybody Knows” is just a Leonard Cohen song.