Control Tower

How to Make Other BDSM People Think You’re a Twit

by Mistress Matisse

I get a lot of e-mails from people who say things like, “ I really want to be involved in the BDSM community, but I’m afraid my friends/family/archbishop will find out! How can I get involved, but still somehow remain anonymous?” Well, I’m so happy you asked, pilgrim. I’ve made a careful study of this for years now, and I can say with utter certainty that there are behaviors which, carefully observed, will ensure your continued social obscurity. At first glance these behaviors may seem obnoxiously flamboyant, but trust me, if you faithfully follow my instructions, the local perverts will work hard not to know you. Even if they accidentally find out your name, they’ll strive to forget it. They’ll avoid eye contact with you whenever possible, they won’t sit next to you at events, and your name will never be added to private-party invitation lists. You’ll remain a complete nonentity, I promise you. If you are a dominant, always act in such a way that makes it clear to everyone within, say, a three-mile radius exactly how truly Domly you are. Contradict other people’s opinions, interrupt them when they’re speaking, and never admit there is anything you don’t know. If you are a submissive, be boot-lickingly, stomach-churningly submissive to every person in the room, and call everyone Master or Mistress, even if you’ve never seen them before in your life. And you have to be competitive—remember, there can be only one! Out-dom or -sub everyone around you.

Dress the part to a ridiculous degree, even when attending a casual event at an otherwise-vanilla venue. Ask yourself, “ Would Zorro wear this?” or “ Am I dressed like the love child of Neo and Lil’ Kim?” Dominants, be sure and wear six or eight floggers attached to your belt so that you resemble a hula dancer. (Bonus points if the flogger tails drag on the ground.) Submissives, wear a collar with a dangling leash attached to it for that pathetic lost-puppy look. Double bonus points: Dress yourself and your partner in matching his-n-hers fetish outfits, so that you look like skaters in the Hustler on Ice show. Adhere to (or invent) some obscure BDSM subculture and insist on being treated in accordance with its arcane rules and protocol, even by people who could have no possible idea what you’re doing. When anyone fails to pay homage to your high rank in the Biker/Old Guard/Gorean tradition, burst into scathing recriminations about how disrespectful they’re being and claim that it’s obviously based on classism/homophobia/alienphobia. Demand to have your membership fee waived, or to be given free admission, or some other liberal guilt-based perk.

At BDSM events, touch people you don’t know, tell strangers intimate details about your sexual desires, and then, when they complain, use psychobabble/new-age-speak to justify your complete lack of personal boundaries. You’re just being an open and loving person, whereas they are clearly hostile and filled with anger. A variant of this is to hit on people who are obviously emotionally fragile and tell them that satisfying your kinky desires would be therapeutic for them. When coming on to someone, mention how everyone in the greater BDSM community hates you because your BDSM is “ too real” for them. Emergency-room visits, restraining orders—to you, these things are all just part of living life on the edge. Claim a level of BDSM expertise you don’t really have in order to attract partners, especially if those skills involve potentially risky kinds of play, like rope suspension or cutting. When the scene goes wrong, blame it on some unspecified inadequacies in your partner. A variant: Falsely claim to have certain skills in order to secure a date with a partner who’s specifically seeking that experience. Then when the date actually happens, coerce the desired one into engaging in your desired form of BDSM scene by telling him/her “ you aren’t quite ready yet” for the originally negotiated type of play. Keep gullible partners on the line by implying that next time you play they’ll get what they originally negotiated for.

My general advice to making other BDSM people not want to know you would be this: Take yourself seriously, and don’t ever examine your behavior, or, god forbid, your motivations. Doing so could bring you dangerously close to self-awareness, and how can you expect other people to stay unaware of you if you don’t stay unaware of yourself?