Control Tower

Secretaries Day

by Mistress Matisse

I’m not a big phone person. Usually when you call me, I want to have whatever conversation we need to have as efficiently as possible, and then get on with whatever I was doing. However, sometimes I get a call that’s so absurd that I just have to follow the thread for a while, even though I know it’s not going to lead me to any worthwhile conclusion.

Ring Ring!

Me: Hello?

Caller: Uh, hi, who is this?

Me: My name is Matisse, who are you calling?

Caller: I don’t really know. You see, my secretary just gave me this number and told me to call it.

He doesn’t know who he’s calling? Oh, this is going to be a weird one, I can tell.

Me: I beg your pardon?

Caller: My secretary just gave me this number and told me to call it. She said I needed to talk to the person whose number this was.

Me: Let me get this straight. You don’t know who I am, you just called me—a stranger—just because your secretary said to?

Caller: Yeah, you see, she’s kind of mad at me. In fact, all of the women in my office are kind of mad at me. So I figured I should do what they said. My secretary said you’d straighten me out.

Well, unless this actually James Spader, what I think is that this guy has started the roleplay without me. And without my consent, I might add. He’s got a fantasy about being “sent” to see me for “punishment” for some imaginary crime, so he’s playing that game with me, hoping I’ll play along.

Now, I have nothing against this kind of roleplay. In fact, I like it. But anyone who thinks he can launch right into his game without talking to me about it first is greatly mistaken, because that is not how I play.

Me: What’s your name?

Caller: Uh, John.

Me: So, John, what I’m hearing is that you want to do a fantasy roleplay about being sent to see me by someone else, because you’ve been bad and you need to be punished. That’s fine. But I don’t start roleplays until someone actually arrives for the appointment, so you need to drop that and just talk to me about what your experience is and what you’re looking for.

Caller: Oh, uh, no, I don’t know what you mean. My secretary gave me this number and just told me to call it.

I see—he’s not going to relinquish the fantasy. What that means is, there is no way this guy’s ever going to get to see me. If he won’t respect my rules now, he won’t respect them later, and I won’t deal with boys like that. I could simply hang up, but anyone as tenacious as he is would just call back, so maybe I’ll pull some threads and see if this unravels.

Caller: Punish me? Did you say you were going to punish me? Oh, I don’t think I’d like that.

Yeah, sure you wouldn’t, honey. His attempt to portray confusion and alarm is about as convincing as George Bush’s attempt to feign compassion for unemployed people. It’s boring, too, so I decide to up the ante a little and see how he responds.

Me: Okay, John, why don’t you put your secretary on the phone?

Caller: What?

Me: Your secretary—the one who told you to call this number? Put her on the phone, I want to talk to her.

Caller: Uh, I can’t do that.

Me: Why not?

Caller: Oh, um, I gave her the rest of the day off.

Me: It’s 1:30 in the afternoon, John—that’s very generous of you. Okay, let me talk to one of the other women in your office.

Caller: I gave them all the day off.

We’ve progressed far, far into the looking-glass here, and while I’ve been weirdly amused by this whole thing, it’s time to start shutting it down.

Me: Wow, you’re an incredibly generous boss, John. Hard to believe anyone could be mad at you.

Caller: So, you said something about punishing me. What did you mean by that?

I love how he’s trying to redirect me into talking dirty to him. Sorry, buddy, I’m the dominant here.

Me: Well, John, I think you should have your secretary call me. She can tell me why she feels I should talk to you. Until then, I don’t want to hear from you again.

Click. I hang up. I wonder if I’ll get a call from Maggie Gyllenhaal?