Control Tower

Talent Scout

by Mistress Matisse

One question I get asked a lot about being polyamorous is, “How do I find other poly people to date?” And what I tell them is, “You have to go where the ducks are.” In this case, that means going to social events specifically for the poly community. (A listing of such events can be found here.) Especially if you’re new to being poly, there’s a lot to be said for cruising in places where everyone is already on the same page as you.

However, I have to admit, that’s not how I’ve done it. I have met all my secondary partners in other ways, and most of them didn’t identify as polyamorous when I met them. Call me irresistible—or just good at identifying embryonic talent.

I met Jae when a client persuaded me to let a submissive female “friend” of his join us for a session. The minute we met, it was obvious to me that she was actually a sex worker he’d paid to be there. I would have been very annoyed with him if we hadn’t been so immediately attracted to each other. Jae didn’t have any previous experience with polyamory, but she was a wonderful secondary partner to me.

I met Mike when a mutual friend came to me and said, “There’s this artist whose work you have to see, I just know you’ll really like it.” I didn’t like it. I loved it. And when I looked at the tall, handsome man who created it, I thought, Oh, I think I’m going to have to fuck you. (Go ahead, call me a groupie, I can live with that.) Fortunately, the attraction was mutual. Mike hadn’t done poly before either, but he’s perfectly happy being a secondary partner since his art is really his primary partner.

My primary partner, Max, has a secondary partner named Maura, and the story of how she came into our circle is amusing. She attended a workshop I was teaching and since she came late, she wound up sitting off to one side a bit, right next to Max and Jae. She’s a striking girl, and I definitely noticed her as I was teaching. Wonder who she is? I thought. Well, I needn’t worry—she’s sitting beside two of the most adept flirts I know, one of them will get her name and number.

After the class was over, I was swept up in conversations with various attendees, and it wasn’t until the three of us sat down to dinner later that I was able to ask, “So, who was that dark-haired girl sitting next to ya’ll?”

Max and Jae looked at each other and shrugged. “She was cute, though,” Jae said.

I looked at them in disbelief. “Neither one of you got her name or anything? You two? The biggest chat-up artists in Seattle? I can’t believe it—you guys are slipping.”

At that time I was doing a weekly guest spot on an Internet radio show about sex, and so the next day when the host asked me what I’d been up to I told him the story of the nameless dark-haired girl that got away, heavily seasoned with mock-indignation over my partners being so asleep at the switch.

A day after the show aired, I got an e-mail. “I heard you talking on the radio show. I’m that dark-haired girl…” Max and I had to laugh. I mean, what are the odds? That was how she came to know Max, and she’s been his secondary partner for slightly over three years.

Jake is the only one of my secondary partners I’ve met on purpose, so to speak. On a whim, I put up a profile on a BDSM personals site and, like most women who place ads, I was soon deluged with responses, many of them wildly inappropriate. But as I went through the “read, laugh, delete, read, laugh, delete” cycle, one of them made me pause. Huh, this guy actually sounds kind of cool. I clicked over to look at his picture. Oh my, he’s handsome, too. So I explained to him how my polyamory worked and when we met he agreed that it was something he’d be willing to try.

Meeting potential lovers can be challenging no matter whether you’re monogamous or polyamorous. You’ll notice, though, that I didn’t meet any of my lovers at the Seattle Republican Club. If your sexuality falls a bit outside the lines, it’s helpful to mix in some less-mainstream circles. You’re more likely to run across undiscovered talent yourself.