Control Tower

On-the-Job Training

by Mistress Matisse

Ring! Ring!

Me: Hello?

Caller: Hi, is this Mistress Matisse?

Me: Yes, it is.

Caller: Um, I’m calling because I’m moving to Seattle in a few days and I wanted to offer you my services. I’m a fully trained male escort.

Okay. A lack of clarity in other people’s telephone communication is one of my major pet peeves in life, and within the first 10 seconds this guy has already made that team. I can’t tell if he’s trying to solicit me as a client of his, or if he wants to be a client (or something) of mine.

I will say that if he’s trolling for clients, I commend his initiative. Granted, I am a highly unlikely potential customer, but making cold calls is the only way I can see of avoiding certain starvation as a heterosexual male escort. Perhaps I should suggest working the phone list for the Washington Federation of Republican Women—if they’re anything like Republican men, they’re horny and in the closet about it, and they probably have money, too.

But no, I don’t have time to talk shop. Let’s try and sharpen his focus so we can move this call along.

Me: I’m afraid I don’t understand. What exactly is it that you’re asking me?

Caller: Well, I was wondering if you might have some use for me; I am a submissive and a fully trained escort.

He’s really insistent about that “fully trained” part, isn’t he? One wonders what, exactly, constitutes training for a male escort, and who certified him as being fully trained? Of course, with the decline in manufacturing standards, it is good to know that one can still find an American worker who wields his tool proudly.

But I want him to go wield it somewhere else, because I’m getting the sense that he’s looking for a relationship with me other than that of a client (him) and a service provider (me). From time to time, I do get annoying phone calls from guys who are looking for a personal relationship with a Mistress and think that propositioning a professional dominant would be a great way to find that. This is roughly the equivalent of calling up a restaurant and saying that, gee, you’d really like to have someone cook and serve you dinner for free. It indicates a lack of any analytical thought process whatsoever.

But that doesn’t feel like the exact scenario here: I think this guy is seeking some pseudo-professional connection with me. I can make a guess at the exact nature of it, and I don’t like it. Maybe I can just shut this conversation down without letting him name it explicitly.

Me: Well, I’m afraid I’m not looking for a personal submissive. Were you interested in seeing me professionally?

Caller: No, I was…

Me: (interrupting) Okay, well, that’s what this line is for, so if that’s not what you’re calling about—

Caller: …hoping you would like to use me with your clients.

Dammit, he went there.

Me: No.

Caller: No?

Me: Absolutely not.

Caller: But there’s a dominatrix in the city where I live now and she’s had me come in to some of her sessions and—

Me: Whatever you’ve done with someone else is not my concern. But I’m not interested.

Caller: But don’t you have female clients who’d like to have a male submissive in their sessions?

Me: No, I don’t.

Caller: Well, (pauses) I will do male clients, too, sometimes.

Ah, so that was what all the emphasis on fully trained was about. A smart business move on his part, or perhaps just a happy meeting of personal predilection and aggressive marketing.

But it doesn’t matter, because I’m not looking for employees. He’s not the first guy to make me this offer, you understand. I’ve gotten other calls from guys asking if I will “pimp them out to my clients.” For some of them, it’s a sexual fantasy. Others seem to see it as a genuine job opportunity. But I’ve met a few real pimps in my time, and I didn’t like them. So while the term “pimp” has come to have a broader meaning than it used to, even a whiff of it fills me with distaste.

Me: No, I don’t provide that kind of thing.

Caller: But see, if you had me, you could.

Me: No, you don’t understand. I don’t want to.

Caller: But I’m fully trained, and I’m very submissive!

Me: I’ve now said no to you five times and you’re still trying to get your way. I don’t think that’s very submissive.

There’s a short silence while he takes this in. Then, as if struck by a thought, he says brightly, “So I guess you’d have to train me then, huh, Mistress?”

Click.

I hang up.