Control Tower

Q and A

by Mistress Matisse

I get a lot of e-mail from random strangers asking me kink-related questions—some of them interesting, some of them odd, and, frankly, some of them just plain dumb.

Don’t you think women are inherently superior to men?

Uh, no. I’ve read some stuff by female dominants who espouse this idea, propping it up with some rather iffy theories from feminist scholars about ancient matriarchal societies. But regardless of whether the Bronze Age Minoans worshipped a god or a goddess, I’m not down with the idea that every woman, simply by virtue of having breasts, is part of the Mistress Race. One would think that Jessica Simpson—to name only one—would serve as a walking refutation of this notion.

What is “a BDSM lifestyle”?

A trite phrase, for starters. But if you insist on a broad definition, I would say it refers to the lives of people for whom BDSM is not simply a stand-alone bedroom activity in which they sometimes engage, but rather a part of their personal identity which colors many things they do. Living a BDSM lifestyle doesn’t mean you necessarily spend the majority of your time doing overtly BDSM things. (We only wish.) BDSM lifestyle people work at non-kinky jobs, raise their kids, shop for groceries, walk the dog, and carry out all the usual activities of a life. But they consciously identify with the values and customs of the BDSM community, and that influences how they see themselves and how they relate to others.

[From a man who described himself as straight] Is there such a thing as a male pro dom?

There are not a lot, but yes, there are definitely some. Of course, most professional Masters cater mainly to a male clientele, just like I do. That doesn’t mean a straight guy couldn’t do it—pro doms traditionally don’t have sex with their clients, so as long as you don’t have any homophobic hang-ups about playing with guys, you’re in business. If you’re holding out for an exclusively female clientele, though, I advise you not to quit your day job. It isn’t that there aren’t any, but women simply do not patronize sex workers of any gender or variety in the same numbers that men do.

What determines a “light” caning versus a “heavy” caning?

The ass of the beholder. That’s why those words are often useless when it comes to negotiating an SM scene. There’s a great line: “Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.” No one’s entirely sure who said it first, but it’s a perfect expression of how words can’t capture the true essence of certain experiences. That doesn’t mean you can’t use those words when you’re telling people just how you’d like your butt—or whatever—to be dealt with. But relying on such amorphous terms to convey a precise concept is a bad idea. Try talking about end results instead. “I don’t want any marks” versus “I want you to make me cry”—that’s a bit more specific.

What’s the difference between a dom and a domme?

Gender. “Dom” is obviously an abbreviation for “dominant,” and used in context, it means “a male dominant.” That term has probably been in use for some time, but the word “domme,” indicating “a female dominant,” is a term invented and popularized, within the last 10 years, by people on the Internet. While I’m not completely opposed to cyber-spawned words, I don’t like the word “domme.” Tacking a faux-French feminine diminutive onto an abbreviation just seems sloppy, and I think insisting on having matching “his-n-hers” words for things is about as bad as having matching “his-n-hers” outfits. There’s also the sad fact that lots of people don’t know how they should pronounce it, although overhearing someone say, “She’s a dom-may” at a fetish gathering is an excellent way to weed out the clueless. The “e” is silent, folks. If you really feel that you must use these words in conversation, they both rhyme with the name “Tom.”

Is there a book about how to be a dominant?

It’s amazing to me that there are people who have learned to use e-mail, and who have even managed to find my website, but who have apparently never heard of Google, or even Amazon. And you know, I used to be more patient with e-mails like this, but getting two or three of them a week for years on end has chipped away at that. So, yeah, Einstein, there are one or two books about how to be a dominant. One or two hundred, that is. Perhaps some kind soul will purée them all up in a blender and spoon-feed them to you, since that seems to be what you’re looking for. But it ain’t going to be me.