Control Tower
If I Could Read Your Mind
by Mistress Matisse
I don’t have ESP, I don’t read tarot cards, and I don’t throw the I Ching. You would never know that, however, from some of the phone calls I get.
Ring ring!
Me: Hello?
Caller: Uh, hi, is this Mistress Matisse? Can I ask you a question?
Me: Yes, it is, and yes, you can.
Caller: So, uh, I’ve been thinking about, like, a lot of kinky stuff, and it kinda turns me on, but I’m not sure if I really want to do it or not? So, what I want to know is: How do I know if I’ll like it or not?
Great. Apparently it’s time for another episode of “Mistress Matisse, Psychic Sadist.” One might argue that by asking me to tell him whether he’s kinky or not, this guy is demonstrating that he is a naturally submissive type, but I don’t agree. I think he’s just intellectually lazy and emotionally unexamined, and that, thank god, is not the same thing as being submissive. Perhaps a not-too-challenging analogy will get his synapses firing.
Me: What’s your name?
Caller: Mike.
Me: Mike, have you ever eaten Ethiopian food?
Caller: Uh, yeah.
Me: Well, I haven’t. Would I like it?
Caller: [Pause] I don’t know.
Me: Precisely.
There’s a moment of silence while Mike wrestles with this, then he says…
Caller: So you’re saying I just have to try it.
Me: And Bingo was his name-o.
Caller: Okay. Huh. Well, how about flogging? A lot of people like flogging, right?
Mike is clearly not grasping the concept. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to; phone wankers will be phone wankers, after all. Some of them do it literally, and some of them just get off on calling up sex workers to talk about titillating stuff, even if they aren’t actually pulling their pud while they do it. I’m thinking the latter is the case with Mike here. But in any case, it seems a more direct approach would be best.
Me: Well, a lot of people I know like it, but that’s not a terribly representative sample. Mike, listen to me—you’re asking me questions no one else can answer for you. I don’t know if you’re really kinky or not, and I don’t know if you’ll like flogging. The only way for you to know is to try. I have to go now, but I wish you the best of luck. Goodbye.
Click. I hang up. About three minutes pass.
Ring ring!
Me: Hello?
Caller: Uh, hi, this is Mike, I called a few minutes ago.
Okay, I’ll be nice to nearly anyone once, but Mike is trying to take up too much of my valuable time. I allow a thread of calm displeasure to wind through my voice.
Me: What do you want, Mike?
Caller: I just wanted to ask you one more question. I really wanna feel like I’m totally powerless. That idea really turns me on.
Me: That’s not a question, that’s a statement.
Caller: But I don’t want to get myself into a situation where I don’t have control over what’s happening. So what kinds of kinky stuff do you think I should do?
He poses this question without the slightest hint of irony. I wonder if Mike rode a short bus to school when he was a kid.
Me: Mike, what you’re describing is a contradiction in terms. You cannot simultaneously give up and retain control. I mean, yes, you have safewords and negotiated limits and such, but if you want to experience helplessness, you have to give up control. That’s how that works, you see.
Caller: Well, what do you think I should do? If you were dominating me, how do you think you’d make me feel out of control?
Oh, now we’ve gotten down to it. This is the part where I’m supposed to figure out what would turn Mike on and describe it to him. There’s only one small problem: He’s not paying me $2.99 a minute to hear this. Fortunately, I’ve developed a technique for bringing these calls to a hasty end. It almost always works, although you have to say it with absolute sincerity, and there is always the slight possibility that someone will take you up on it. But that hasn’t happened to me yet.
Me: Well, I personally like to start off with putting really large needles through someone’s scrotal sack and then zapping him in the balls with a cattle prod. It bleeds a lot, but I always find it very effective.
Click. He hangs up.
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