Control Tower

Flesh and Bone By The Telephone

by Mistress Matisse

When you put an ad for any kind of adult service out there, the phone calls you get about it aren't always going to be what you expect, and the callers definitely won't all be people you want to deal with. The problem I most commonly encounter is when someone simply doesn't understand who I am and what I'm about. Persuading such a person that he's in the wrong place isn't always easy…

Ring ring!

Me: Hello?

Caller: Hi. I saw your ad. I was wondering if you and I could… get better acquainted.

This caller is speaking in a rather affected "sexy" voice. You know, slow and low, like a DJ for a smooth-jazz station. I picture sort of a Ron Burgundy-type, with televangelist hair and several gold chains around his neck. I also picture a guy who's called the wrong ad, because this is not how people usually approach me. But we'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

Me: All right. My name is Mistress Matisse. I'm a dominatrix. Is that what you're looking for?

Caller: Domi-matrix? What? What’s that?

Oh, this does not bode well. But at least he's stopped talking in that stupid voice.

Me: Dom-i-na-trix. If you don't know what it is, why did you call me?

Caller: Your ad says "mistress"—you know, like you go with married guys.

Me: Ah. No, I'm not that kind of mistress.

Caller: Well, what exactly is it that you do?

I hate when people call me up and ask me this, because there is no answer that's short, accurate, and easily comprehensible by your average non-kinky person. I'd hang up on the guy, but a lot of the time, if you do that, they just call right back. The one thing you don't want to do in this situation is make yourself into a challenge. If the guy thinks you've got something he wants, he'll never stop calling you. You have to go through the whole conversation until he figures out for himself that actually you aren't his wet-dream girl.

Me: I told you, I'm a dominatrix

Caller: What's that?

Me: (heavy sigh) I do S&M.

Caller: What's that mean?

I deliberately used the rather outdated term, figuring it's the one he's most likely to have heard. But he seems genuinely puzzled. Has this guy been living under a rock? And more to the point, has he looked closely at the ad he found me through? It's a picture of me wearing a rubber dress and holding a whip, for god's sake. Who did he think he was calling, Jessica Simpson?

It's already clear to me that this guy is not going to be a client of mine. But unselfish woman that I am, I'm going to try to make the world a little safer for other pro doms.

Me: Okay, look at my ad. See where it says, "Bondage, spanking, erotic domination"? That's what I do. And that's not what you're looking for, so I think we should say goodbye now.

Caller: Hey, wait, it says "fetishes."

Me: Yes, that's right. Do you have a fetish?

Caller: Yeah, yeah, I do. Sure I do. Um, I have a lingerie fetish.

I am deeply suspicious about this sudden twist, but all right, we'll explore this a little more.

Me: Okay, so you like to be dressed in women's lingerie?

Caller: No, I like to see women dressed in lingerie. (He laughs.) I've got a fetish for women!

Jesus. I'm reminded of the grade-school put-down, "That's so funny I forgot to laugh."

Me: Well, this isn't going to work, so you need to call someone else, okay? Goodbye.

Caller: Wait, wait, wait, don't hang up! I wanna talk to you. You're real pretty—maybe if you tell me some more about what you do we can, like, figure something out.

Clearly this guy has a bad case of what I call "the bird-in-the-hand” mentality. This happens when a caller, having got a live woman on the phone, tries to insist that the two of you are a good match for each other, even when you clearly aren't. I consider telling him I'm a chick with a dick just to see what he'd say, but with his attitude, he'd probably tell me what a good cocksucker he is.

Me: Look, just call someone else. If you've got my ad in front of you, then there's a whole bunch of other ads there too. For the same amount of money you'd pay me, you can get someone who's more what you're looking for.

Caller: Money? You mean all these ads are from girls who charge money?

I hang up.