Control Tower

I NEED A MAN

by Mistress Matisse

You wouldn't think anyone who gets paid to be sexy would have trouble finding a lover in her off-hours, but for a sex worker, sometimes meeting potential boyfriends is tough. Sure, everyone thinks you're a babe, but when it comes to relationships, you're liable to get stuck being a Rick James date--"the kind you don't take home to mother…."

So after some thought--and some discussion with other women--I've put together a list of suggestions about what kinds of guys might be more open-minded about having a sex-worker girlfriend, and where one might meet these men. I tried to come up with places where one meets people who are a bit unconventional and who may belong to a subculture with rules and customs already somewhat at odds with what mainstream society would call normal. The guys who are involved in such things might be more open to the idea of a sex-worker girlfriend.

Science-fiction/comic-book/role-playing-game enthusiasts. The skewed gender ratio at any gathering of these boys makes them a fish-in-a-barrel situation. Yes, some of them may be in serious need of a fashion makeover, but that's easy enough to do. Ask them if they like Mercedes Lackey.

Pagan/alternative-spirituality guys. All varieties, although some pagan groups are more sexually open than others. Play the "Sacred Whore" card here.

Renaissance-fair performers. Other kinds of historical reenactors would also do. Men who wear tights or armor, and who can speak Elizabethan English fluently, could be fine with a girlfriend who's a tavern wench--even if that tavern is Déjá Vu.

Musicians. The problem is they're considered sexy by lots of women, so the competition here is stiff. But for rockers and rappers, dating strippers/porn models is practically de rigueur.

Artists. See above, although visual artists don't get quite the level of feminine adulation that musicians do, so perhaps an easier target. Buying a piece of an artist's work is one way to demonstrate your discerning taste. Offering to model, if that's appropriate, is another.

Actors. Same deal, although of all the arts-communities, actors may have the sharpest understanding of how closely their career strategies resemble ours. Try volunteering for small theatres.

Goths. Helps to already be one yourself, but you could cultivate a taste for panne velvet and the Cure.

Now we're moving into subcultures based on their sexual variance from the norm, and it's these groups in particular that sex workers who have some form of intimate physical contact with their clients might do well to consider.

Swingers. It's not the slam dunk one might think--swingers are sometimes oddly judgmental about anything outside their own system of uncommitted sex with strangers--but worth investigating, as long as you're okay with a boyfriend who has sex with other people and who may have an unfortunate predilection for novelty underwear.

The (nonkinky) polyamory community. Yes, there is one, although you wouldn't know it to hear me talk. Once again, you'd need to be okay with his having other partners, as well as a certain tolerance for touchy-feely social events where all the food is organic vegan.

The BDSM community. This, of course, is where I've met all my lovers, and I think it's an excellent place to shop--even if you're only mildly kinky. Luckily, a lot of the fashion statements can double as work attire.

You'll notice this list doesn't include turning a client into a boyfriend. That's because I think it's generally a bad idea. Lots of clients are perfectly nice guys, but trying to change what began as a professional sex-work relationship into a serious romance… Well, I've seen lots of people attempt it, and I have never once seen it work out. Besides, sex workers tend to get too socially insular anyway. So take off the platform heels, turn off the cell phone, and go meet some new blood.